As a psychologist, I see a lot of couples in trouble. I see them when they are dissatisfied, when they feel "stuck," or when they are at the end of their rope due to frustration. True, some couples enter the therapeutic relationship after one member has decided to end the relationship. And frankly, many couples in this situation come to therapy because the partner who has decided to leave will (secretly, mostly) wish for the other person to have a safe place to come heal after the break-up.
That being said, a question always asked on the front end is if either party is currently having an affair, or if either even suspects the other is having an affair. And yes, I am smart enough to know that the partner in question would lie in that situation. Eventually, truth rises to the surface - although it is extremely damaging when the affair is "discovered" by the other partner. In this case, the breech of trust can feel impossible to completely overcome.
But before getting further into that arena, let's address for a moment WHY an affair is so deadly to relationship counseling. It boils down to motivation.
When we enter a relationship, we are highly motivated to put a certain amount of trust into our partner. We tell them things we rarely (if ever) tell anyone else. We are vulnerable physically to them – we place ourselves into their hands when we sleep next to them, when they drive us in the car, or when we are engaged in sexual activity. Plus, we offer our own acceptance toward them in return. An affair subverts each level of trust, and adds the complication of lowering motivation to work things out.
Let's say a husband is cheating on his wife. Emotionally, he no can no longer be 100% present for her. She cannot share the things with him that she needs to in order to fix their troubled marriage because he will be distant and distracted. Too, he will not need to share anything with her because he has another sympathetic ear, another sounding board for his thoughts and wishes.
Physically, the wife has probably pulled away sexually because her husband has pulled away emotionally. From the husband's point of view, he now has a sexual outlet and will not need to bring these needs to his wife anymore.
With regard to motivation, the wife will have built up a lot of anger by this point and will feel hopeless and frustrated. The husband – by virtue of definition – will like his mistress more than his wife, and will have a hard time finding the energy or desire to work on a relationship he feels has already died.
In the end, unless the affair(s) end, neither partner will be able to salvage the relationship. Betrayal is perhaps the deadliest of sins when it comes to the "Relationship Commandments," and will impede the ability or potential for trust in the future. Particularly if there has been a history of lying to cover the affair, the offended partner will always carry the nagging voice of doubt in the back of his or her mind.
Bottom line: I strongly recommend you make a firm choice. An affair is easy, and a lover will ALWAYS be more sexy, exciting, caring, and understanding than your partner because they are just an escape! They're a brief jog from the well-worn path of reality. I completely understand feelings of loneliness and frustration, but affairs almost never end well, and will invariably do long term damage despite quickly salving the wound of relationship stress.
For questions or comments, you can reach Dr. Steve through his website: www.doctorstevetherapy.com
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